Be Careful Of Keeping Secrets

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Question: I’m writing in because I’m debating whether I tell my boyfriend information that may be considered questionable or keep it to myself. I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for four years now and I’ve always been completely honest with him. We have something special and I don’t want to lose this because of my actions, which is why I want to keep this secret to myself.

About three months ago I went on vacation with some of my girlfriends, and after having a couple of shots of vodka I started kissing a random guy in one of the clubs. My girlfriends said that I left the club with this man. The sad part is, I don’t remember what happened after I brought him back to my room. I woke up in the morning and he was just walking out. I’m not sure if we went the whole way or not, but I still know that even kissing him was irresponsible and wrong . I’m ashamed of my actions and I’m afraid to tell my boyfriend because we are close to being engaged and this may ruin it. What should I do?

Cavalli’s Advise: Hello, and thank you for writing in. I know your situation may seem overly complicated to you, but the solution is simple, even though it may be difficult and unpleasant to execute. You need to tell your boyfriend the truth, the WHOLE truth. You’ll need to do this immediately as well. The reason you need to tell him immediately is because it is easier to forgive someone that comes clean then someone who gets caught. When you come clean it’s easier for your partner to believe that you are an honest person who made an honest mistake.

If you get caught then your partner may lose his peace of mind, because then he may question what else you might be hiding. I also encourage you to tell the WHOLE truth because the omission of any facts can also come back to bite you in the end as well. If you tell the whole truth immediately then your boyfriend can make a clear decision on whether he wants to stay or leave.

I understand that this may ruin your chances of getting engaged to the man you love, but do you really want to get married to someone who you are not being completely honest with? If you let him propose to you without you telling him what happened you run the risk of this eating you up inside for years to come. If you decide to tell him years later, then the impact will be much worst in every way. Please, tell the truth and you will both be much happier in the end, even if you don’t end up together. At least you will have a clean conscious and know that you did the right thing. Please keep me posted on what happens with you two. I wish you both the best!

Leonardo Cavalli

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There are 2 comments

  1. I agree with your answer. I would rather be completely honest with my spouse, and I expect him to be completely honest with me. What do you suggest if you feel your spouse isn’t always completely honest, and you’ve already talked to them about how important honesty is to you and how you feel the whole truth right away is better than lies/partial truth?

  2. One way to have your partner start telling the WHOLE truth immediately is by creating a “Safe Zone” in your home/relationship. A Safe Zone is a time and place where you and your partner can agree to talk about anything once a week or month. In this safe zone an individual can discuss everything from what they think can be improved in the bedroom to what they don’t like about their partner’s cooking. The couple can even discuss compromises they have made sexually or morally that may offend their partner.
    The power of this Safe Zone is to allow couples to have a time and place to come clean with one another WITHOUT fear of being attacked or punished for their actions or thoughts. That has to be a promise that both individuals in the relationship agree to or it won’t work. People usually only lie for two reasons. Those reasons are to either impress someone, or because they are scared of what another person may do if they find out their truth. I know countless couples that use this method and they have some of the healthiest relationships You could possibly think of. Both partners have a newly heightened sense of peace, knowing that their partner is being 100% honest with them all the time. I encourage you to introduce the Safe Zone concept to your partner and see what he says. Please keep me posted on your progress. I wish you both the very best!


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